ways to die | 2018-01-10

I was recently reading a Popular Mechanics article on a variety of ‘it is known’ ways to die.

Turns out many of them are simply not the case.

So, I’ve ranked them by what I deem to be their level of risk and have ordered them from lowest to highest below. Please enjoy responsibly.

This does actually get more serious near the end before it gets funny again… you’ve been warned

Microwave Radiation

Entirely Subjective Death Threat Rating (ESDTR | 0-10): 0

Obviously, if you stand near your microwave while it’s cooking your food, you’re giving it the opportunity to also cook you.

However, there are tonnes of mechanisms in place to prevent the radiation from escaping — but this is to maximize the cooking power, not to protect you.

The level of radiation from a microwave is well within the safe ranges and, more importantly, it produces non-ionizing radiation which does not cause the same terrible effects as ionizing radiation (rewriting DNA, etc.).

#gocookyourself

Cellphones

ESDTR: 0

Again, cellphones produce non-ionizing radiation, which is the ‘safe’ kind.

There isn’t a lot of data on the long-term effects of constant bombardment from the variety of signals going in and out of your phone and through your body but the signs mostly point to there being no issues here.

#wificonduits

Reheating Food in Plastic

ESDTR: 0

Heating up hard plastic will release Bisphenol A (BPA) into your food which then goes into you.

BPA ingestion during pregnancy and breast-feeding is known to cause reduced survival, lower birth weight, and slow early growth for infants.

That’s a serious problem, for sure.

However, the amount of BPA required to cause these issues is extremely high — far, far greater than the highest expected dosages from hard plastic.

Regardless, there is still no medical/scientific consensus on the long-term effects of continuous BPA exposure, so use a plate instead.

#mutantchildren #xmen #useaplate

Heating Food in Scratched Teflon Pans

ESDTR: 0

Perfluorooctanoic acid (PFOA) is used to create Teflon pans and definitely causes various cancers — but it’s burned out of the pans during processing…
It’s simply not there anymore.

However, if you heat a Teflon pan past 500F or, worse, up to 680F, it will release a cloud of highly toxic gases that will certainly make you sick — two of these are carcinogens.

#staycoolteflonman

Putting Utensils in Toasters

ESDTR: 0

The potential for shock is real but the shock will result in pain and maybe a burn — not a big deal.

However, rummaging around in the guts of a toaster could damage it to the point that it might start a fire the next time you use it and fire is bad when it’s in your house.

Certainly unplug before you dig and, rather than dig, pick it up and shake it upside-down to get stuff out.

#unplugandusewooden

Swimming in the Ocean with a Cut

ESDTR: 0

While it’s true that sharks are blood-thirsty, human-snacking demons (note: not true), sharks aren’t more attracted to human blood than to the other things your body is leaving in the water.

For a shark to be really interested in investigating you, you need to be really entertaining (like splashing a LOT or screaming) or you need to be losing a LOT of blood.

If that’s the case, probably don’t go in the water but get that cut fixed… the blood loss will kill you prior to the shark.

#sharksdontcareaboutyou #healyourwounds

Desiccant Packages

ESDTR: 1

These are the little packages you find in containers of stuff that should remain dry.

They almost always have a ‘DO NOT EAT’ warning on them.

The silica gel inside is both inert and non-toxic so the only threat here is choking.

Be at peace on this front…

#desiccantnotdescant

Punched Nose

ESDTR: 1

The theory is that punching a nose at the correct angle will send the ‘nose bone’ into the brain, causing immediate death.

Couple of problems there:

1. There is no ‘nose bone’
2. The cartilage and bone structure of the nose won’t magically become larger after impact

A more likely issue here would be cracking the relatively thin bone structure that separates the nasal cavity from the brain cavity which could result in an infection in your brain.

That said, it would require one hell of a punch to make that kind of a mess of someone’s face.

#haduoken #brucelee #nonosebone

Unapproved Gasoline Containers

ESDTR: 1

Obviously, the slightest spark could and will ignite gasoline at any moment and the entire world will be set ablaze as you slip this mortal coil, laughing maniacally.

So, the ‘approved’ containers come replete with many safety mechanisms to prevent static electricity from accidentally sparking up a hideous inferno.

However, from 2010 to 2016 in the US, there were exactly zero reported cases of static related sparks igniting gasoline. Seems like a small threat…

#freakgasolinefightaccidents

The Hospital

ESDTR: 1

People definitely get sick from other people in the hospital — this happens routinely.

However, the world is FULL of bacteria and other yuck that is always waiting to infect you.

Any healthy person who can wash their hands and not lick sick people in the hospital shouldn’t be more at risk than they are anywhere else.

#dontlickthesick

Power Lines

ESDTR: 1

There was a report in the ’70s that linked cancer and birth defects to families living near power lines — it was refuted completely in the mid-90s.

Power lines emit super-low frequency, non-ionizing radiation which is not even likely to kill butterflies, let alone people.

However, if they were to break and fall on the ground, REALLY don’t touch them!

#mutantchildren #xmen #leavethelineswheretheylay

Solar Flares (CMEs)

ESDTR: 1

Solar flares is a bit of a misnomer here since those are relatively innocuous and happen fairly frequently.

The larger threat here is a coronal mass ejection which is something like a solar flare on steroids.

Should one of these come barreling toward earth and strike our atmosphere, it would create massive electromagnetic energy bursts which would blow up power grids throughout the affected area, if not most of the world.

The threat, then, is the explosions and the ensuing panic and lack of power for untold millions of people for untold days and weeks.

Essentially, this would cause a very lengthy blackout which would be very difficult to correct.

However, based on distance from the sun and the usual speed of these CMEs (which do happen but are rarely directed at earth; most recent recorded occurrences were 1859, 1921, and 1989), we would have roughly a day to make preparations.

In that day, we could shut down power grids and satellite systems, effectively negating any ill effects.

#icarusunderstands #icestorms

Raw Oysters

ESDTR: 1

Oysters, if left to warm up without cooking (say on a vessel in the summer), can be a lovely spawning ground for Vibrio bacteria which causes roughly 100 deaths per year in the US.

However, there are strict regulations for oyster farming/harvesting that mean they are placed in ice almost immediately after catch.

So, the only thing Lips Manlis needs to worry about is Big Boy and some cement.

#staycool #dicktracy #tesstrueheart #breathlessmahoney

Bay Leaves

ESDTR: 1

People pull bay leaves out of their food like their lives depended on it — clearly, that’s ‘cuz they’re poisonous.

Except they’re not… they aren’t toxic in any way.

The problem with eating bay leaves is that they are rigid and splinter into tiny sharp pieces that could get caught in your digestive tract and cause you issues that way.

Irregardlessly, not likely to kill you.

#yourturntodothedishes

Swimming Amoebas

ESDTR: 1

Naegleria fowleri is a species of amoeba which, if it gains entrance to your nose, can slip into your cranial cavity and start supping upon your brain — it’s kind of like a tiny zombie that way.

It has been found in fresh water throughout the Southern US and infection from it is fatal in 97% of cases. This is VERY bad!

However, between 2006 and 2015, there were 37 cases reported by the CDC in the US… I think we’ll be fine.

#zombiebas

Driving in Heels

ESDTR: 1

People avoid driving while wearing heels because they might slip off the pedals or slip off the feet and get behind the pedals and prevent you from breaking when you need it most.

While that’s more or less true, it’s not more true than the threat that flip-flops or Birkenstocks pose or any other loose whatevers you happen to have in your vehicle.

If you’re terribly concerned, slip them off and drive in bare feet…

#secureyourstuff

X-Rays at the Dentist

ESDTR: 2

While it is true that x-rays can cause havoc with some of the body’s systems, the dental x-rays are highly focused and are nearly incapable of affecting any part of your body other than the section they are scanning.

In fact, the lead vests are entirely a placebo and the hygienists have no reason to leave the room.

In an edge-case scenario, it’s possible to have the x-rays hit your thyroid but most dentists have thyroid shields, upon request.

The threat is very low.

#thyroidmutants

Electrical Outlets (Normal)

ESDTR: 2

There are three places to put stuff in an electrical socket, called terminals:  the hot one, the neutral one, and the ground.

If you stick a paperclip in one of them, you’re fine… probably.

If you stick a paperclip in the neutral and the ground, you’re probably fine but you’re playing a stupid game.

If you stick a paperclip in the hot and the ground or in the hot and you, yourself are grounded, you’re probably not fine.

If you stick a paperclip in the hot and neutral, you’re in a for a real shock… frealz…

Many outlets these days are equipped with ground fault circuit interrupters (GFCIs), which will immediately break the current from the hot terminal if there is an imbalance between the current leaving there and the one entering the ground terminal.

That works quite well at saving you from a nasty shock but it doesn’t do much if you’ve connected the hot and neutral terminals — then you’re tripping the wire and asking for trouble.

In truth, you’ll likely be fine but will be hurt and possibly burned. If you’re really unlucky, the current could travel through your heart and then you’re dead… just dead.

#donttrustthatface #johnnyputdownthepaperclip

Lightning

ESDTR: 2

In the US, there are an average of 48 fatalities from lightning per year — that’s not so many.

Considering that the statistic goes further to note that that 48 fatalities represents 10% of the total people struck by lightning per year in the US, it becomes a little more staggering.

If you are stuck in a field during a lightning storm, make yourself as small as possible because you REALLY don’t want to get struck by lightning.

#lightninggivesyouwings

Electromagnetic Pulses (EMPs)

ESDTR: 3

The idea here is similar to that of a coronal mass ejection but poses a higher threat.

An EMP will have the same effect on the power grid and on high-frequency communications but what makes this worse is the likely cause: nuclear ordinance detonation in the atmosphere.

This is a larger problem because:

1. We don’t get a day of warning prior to the EMP
2. That nuclear radiation won’t stay in the atmosphere

The power grid issue still results in mass panic and blackouts for an indeterminate period but the nuclear radiation will screw up the atmosphere and likely cause nuclear winter.

Huzzah!

#donteatpeopleinnuclearwinter

Docked Boats

ESDTR: 4

The risk here is that a docked boat can be plugged into a power outlet from shore. If the related circuits are in good shape, the power flows into the boat and back to the outlet as it should.

If there is an issue with the grounding on the circuit, however, the electricity will do its usual business of taking the path of least resistance which, in this case, would be the water surrounding the boat.

If you jump into that water or swim up to the boat, the current will go through you and will freeze your muscles — it’s really hard to swim when your muscles stop moving.

#sendthecatinfirst

Plugging in an Appliance with Wet Hands

ESDTR: 4

Above we talked about the hazards of electrical outlets — all of that comes into play here.

The difference and the higher risk factor here is that water conducts electricity very well and wet skin conducts much more easily than does dry skin.

Your wet hands are a massive invitation for electrical current to find its beloved path-of-least-resistance and, since water and wet skin are so primed for conductivity, the shock is amplified more than you’d imagine.

#dryyourhandsfirst

Accidental Stabbing

ESDTR: 6

Getting stabbed is bad. Full stop.

People routinely accidentally stab other people in a host of horrific ways (WARNING: these stories are tragic and awful; don’t read if you are sensitive to tragedy, like I am):

1. Woman fatally stabs brother while doing dishes
2. Uncle accidentally stabs nephew
3. Drunk man stabs friend

While it’s not terribly likely that this will happen, knives are dangerous and getting stabbed is a big deal every time.

#dontplaywithknives #everyonegetscutinaknifefight

Hit by Car

ESDTR: 6

Pedestrians do not fair well when making contact with vehicles, especially at speed. This one is pretty straightforward — try not to get hit and hold on to your dumb kids…

Car manufacturers have been adding some cool features to improve the odds for the fleshy sacks of mostly water that end up riding the hoods of vehicles:

1. Cameras/radar all around a vehicle that assist with driver vision/perception and provide alerts on lane departures or add automated braking
2. More space between the hood and the engine to allow a little cushion and bounce on impact, instead of just hitting the engine
3. Hoods that actively increase their angle when pedestrian collision is detected, to soften the landing
4. External airbags from the front bumper and the space between the hood and the windshield, near where the wipers are

#holdyourdumbkids

Getting Shot

ESDTR: 7

For sure, you don’t want to get shot. It’s bad business and the body is not designed to have new holes put in it.

That said, if the bullet doesn’t hit a major organ and you are provided timely medical care, you should come out of the situation with your life and some scars.

If it does hit a major organ? Yeah…

#dontgetshot #gunskillpeople

Electric Wood

ESDTR: 8

Here we’re specifically talking about Lichtenberg Figures.

The concept is really cool! You use electrical current to burn patterns on wood and it results in some wild and beautiful art.

The problem is that wood is a very poor electrical conductor, so you need to help it out.

So, you soak the wood in water and baking soda and then you pump a tonne of current through it using electrodes attached to microwave transformers. A microwave transformer produces 2000 volts at high amperage (current).

This works to create the art but also to create an extremely dangerous system that you really shouldn’t touch in any way.

#artislife #electricityisdeath

INTERLUDE on Electricity:

I’ll take a brief break prior to the final two entries to focus on a clear trend from above, namely that electricity is profoundly dangerous.

From lightning to EMPs to Lichtenberg Figures, it is no joke that you don’t want to mess around with electricity in any way.

There are three basic properties to electrical flow and those are: current, voltage, and resistance.

Current = amperes = amps = flow

This is the number of negatively charged electrons moving through a cross-section of a circuit per second. 1 amp = a LOT of electrons.

Voltage = volts = potential energy difference

In order for the ‘flow’ to happen, there needs to be a difference in potential energy somewhere in the circuit. This difference is measured in volts.

A typical household battery is 1.5 volts, meaning that there is a 1.5 difference in potential energy between the positive and negative ends of the battery.

Once you pop the battery into the circuit, the electrons suddenly have a reason to move in one direction together and that’s when things happen.

Resistance = Ohms = flow control

The ‘flow’, given a reason to move, still needs to move through something.

If you pump water from one barrel to another using a hose, the amount of water that moves per second will be directly related to the size of the hose you’re using.

A smaller hose will move some water but a wider hose will move more.

So, with electricity, the more conductive the pathway, the less resistance it has and the more electrons can go flying through.

When it comes to humans, it’s not really volts that are dangerous but actually the amps — the amount of electrons allowed to flow through us.

This is why wet hands or docked boats or standing in a field during a lightning storm is bad. If you become the path-of-least-resistance, you become the conduit for the amps to flow through.

At even 0.01 amps, you receive a painful shock and your muscles contract and your breathing becomes laboured (due to the muscle contraction).

Between 0.1 and 0.2 amps, your heart goes into ventricular fibrillation and you quite simply die because the blood stops pumping through your veins properly.

Higher than 0.2 amps and your heart is clamped down by the severe muscular contraction, which actually turns out to be better for you since it doesn’t kill your heart and you have a much higher likelihood of survival.

So far on this aside — back to the main thoughts…

Pigs

ESDTR: 10

Pigs are nasty hateful demons who want nothing other than your bones for their bread.

Bricktop can tell you more about the awful uses of these wicked creatures.

Mason Verger met an horrible end at their mouths — don’t watch it if you’re squeamish.

The author of the aforementioned Popular Mechanics article writes about pigs as follows:

This probably goes without saying: I’ll never forget when that pig bit me in the face. I had been bitten by a German shepherd before, so I knew what it felt like to have animal teeth in me, but the way that pig tore so firmly into my cheek made a more lasting impression. I have taken delight in eating bacon since. “I like pigs,” Sherrie Webb told me when I called not to ask her whether pigs are killers but to warn her that they are. She’s the director of animal welfare for the National Pork Board (pork.org) and an obvious pig apologist. “They can be quite friendly,” she said. You poor doomed woman, I thought. The CDC keeps exhaustive statistics about how Americans die. Unfortunately, the swine clearly got to the CDC, too. Killer pigs fall under a broad “contact with other mammals” category, which means they can blame cows for their crimes. There are countless stories of people being eaten by pigs, including an Oregon hog farmer whose dentures were all that remained of him. Police couldn’t determine whether the farmer died from natural causes and was eaten or was murdered and eaten. I know. “At least in the domestic herd, pigs aren’t overtly aggressive,” Webb said. I was about to question her credentials when she added: “Pigs explore using their nose and mouth. They might chew on their pen mates, but I’m not sure that’s blood-motivated.” She made the case that pigs are like us. When they feel threatened, they will try to escape but might also fight back. Happy pigs make low, contented noises. Alarmed pigs squeal, and that’s when humans should start assessing their own behavior and its possible consequences. “Treat pigs well and with understanding,” Webb said, “and they’re not any more dangerous than any other mammal.” I thought back to that pig whose hot breath I can still feel in my nightmares. I swear I didn’t do anything to earn his bite. I was only trying to castrate him.—Chris Jones

#donttrustpigs #6pieces6pigs

Everything

ESDTR: 5

In the end, what is true is that EVERYTHING can kill you under the right circumstances — even a seemingly innocent little girl can burn down your house…

Can never be too careful… can never be too paranoid…

Can never believe everything you read…

…

Or can you??

So far on ways to die